Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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