this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
