FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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