Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
