Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
