im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
