I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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