his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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