I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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