i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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