i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
