I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
