I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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