I think I won the penis lottery.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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