Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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