Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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