last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
