Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
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I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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