do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
