There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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