My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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