why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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