Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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