she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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