Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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