If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im six kinds of drunk right now
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i dont even know how to be here
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
