The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
