Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
smell my finger.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
