Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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