I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
