So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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