I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
