the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
