Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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