everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
