Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
