mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
