So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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