We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
