I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
