I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
