Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
