1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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