I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
