Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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