So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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