he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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