i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
