I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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