My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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