My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
