I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Be still, my beating vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
