Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
