Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
