don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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