i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
