see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
