If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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