textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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