Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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