i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
