I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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